To My Complementarian Brothers

A Letter for the Glory of God and the Holiness of the Church

To my brother in Christ,

I see you. We are one in the Body of Christ. We are family. Brothers. Anything that separates us pales in comparison to our unity in the Messiah.

I see how you love the Scriptures, how you passionately pursue God’s truth. I see your faithfulness to God. I see your commitment to truth. I see your humility in submitting to the Bible as an authority higher than yourself.

I see your desire to obey God’s commands. I also know your commitment to godliness. I know how you pursue discipleship, sanctification, and the formation of your soul to honor God in all you do.

I care deeply about your holiness, just as I care deeply about mine. I care about the witness of all God’s church. Even when we differ, I want us to shine - together - like a city on a hill.

God has saved sons and daughters who are being conformed to the Image of His Son. It would be foolish for me to care only about my own holiness, or to only care about the holiness of those Christians who agree with me on everything. Every Christian must have a desire that all of God’s Church would reflect the glory of Christ.

I want you to radiate with the splendor of Christ’s holy character.

And what is Christ’s holy character?

The complementarian website, gotquestions.org, describes Christ’s character this way:

His attitude was that of a servant. He “did not come to be served, but to serve” (Mark 10:45). Kindness and selflessness characterized His personality. Jesus was submissive to His Father’s will when He came to earth and subsequently went to the cross … He grew up in a normal (sinful) household, yet, Jesus “was obedient” to His parents (Luke 2:51).

The article goes on to include that “Jesus was a strong but meek leader,” noting that “people were amazed at the authority with which Jesus spoke,” before this beautiful admonition:

All believers should desire to emulate Jesus’ character traits through the power of the Holy Spirit. The things that drew people to Jesus should be the very things that draw people to us. (Italics mine)

I hope you agree that this statement deserves a hearty, “Amen!”

As the article powerfully lays out, some of Jesus’ many godly attributes are:

•Servanthood
•Strength
•Sacrificial kindness
•Leadership
•Submissiveness
•Authority

Maybe you’ve already spotted the apparent paradox here. Because every Christian is called to emulate Christ, all of us should strive for a Christlike character that embodies servanthood and strength, sacrificial kindness and leadership, submissiveness and authority.

This is where I must press you as your brother in Christ.

In your conformity to the Image of the Son, you must never assume servanthood, sacrificial kindness, and submissiveness are traits for female discipleship, nor that strength, leadership, and authority are traits for male discipleship.

These are all traits of Christ, which makes them all traits for Christlike discipleship.

The enemy would love nothing more than to convince men of God that only some of Christ’s attributes are to be emulated.

The devil prowls around like a lion, slithering into our consciences like a crafty serpent, and hisses half-truths by twisting the words of God. “Wives, submit to your husbands” is a command of God. But wouldn’t it be like the enemy to manipulate God’s good command to tempt you into sin? Wouldn’t the enemy be thrilled if you were so focused on your wife’s submission to you that you yourself failed to “submit to others out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21)?

You, man of God, must be willing to submit to other believers. Men and women. This is a command of the Lord, and it is an indispensable practice in being formed in Christlikeness.

The enemy would also love to persuade you that you are owed your wife’s service.

You, man of God, must serve your wife and the women in your church. Christ came to serve and not to be served. Christians do not ask to be served, they follow Christ in service.

You, man of God, are commanded to outdo others in showing honor (Romans 12:10). Christians do not ask to be honored. No, in humility you must consider your wife more important than yourself (see Philippians 2:3). You must strive to give her more honor than she gives you, even as she strives to give you more honor than you give her. You must go out of your way to honor the women in your church, even as they honor you.

The enemy celebrates when men of God scoff at their calling to mirror Christ’s submissiveness, sacrificial kindness, and servanthood, and he rejoices when women of God are devoid of strength, leadership, and authority.

Culture will tell you that women are to be meek, submissive, and gentle. The serpent will lie until you believe these “feminine” traits are beneath you. By God’s power at work in you, may your Christlike strength shape you to be a meek, submissive, gentle servant.

And when you see a woman emulating Christ with strength, leadership, and authority, the world will tell you she’s out of line. May you have the Kingdom of God clarity to see and celebrate her godliness.

In Christ, by the grace of the Father and the power of the Spirit, we are all - male and female - being transformed into Christ’s image from glory to glory!

You and I are both committed to the Scriptures. Yet, we disagree on our interpretation of a few commands of the Lord.

You may be right that wives are called to unique submission to their husbands, and I may be wrong that marriage is a covenant relationship of equal, mutual submission. You may be right that 1 Timothy restricts all women from eldership in the Church, and I may be wrong that those words were unique direction for one leader in one ancient church.

Even as we disagree, may we both remember that Paul sums up all of God’s commands this way:

“All the law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’” (Galatians 5:14).

Even if the complementarian framework is correct, every command from the Word of God must fit under the umbrella of “love your neighbor as yourself.”

Assuming you are right about Ephesians 5:22, “wives, submit” must always remain under the greatest command: “love your neighbor [including your wife] just as you love yourself.”

If your wife submits to you in ways that you do not submit to her, you are going to have an extra hurdle in your path towards Christlikeness. You are going to need an abundant outpouring of God’s grace to shield you from ever assuming you are more important than she is. The enemy would love to persuade you that, because your decisions carry more weight, you matter more than she does. You must resist the lies of the devil.

Likewise, male-only eldership must fit within the circle of loving the women in your church just as you love yourself. If men alone are permitted to serve as elders in your church, you’re going to need the Spirit of God to work within you daily, to remind you that your masculinity does not place you in superiority over your sisters in any way. Christians do not assume superiority over others, but love all their brothers and sisters as equals in deed, not in word alone.

History bears the unfortunate truth that far too many men of God have given in to Satan’s lies, falling short of Christlikeness by failing to give their wives and sisters the honor, dignity, and love God requires. May you, by the grace of God, be different.

I’m praying for your sanctification, for the sake of Christ’s Church and for the glory of God.

Your brother,
Nick