To My Complementarian Sisters

A Letter for Life and Life More Abundant

To my sister in Christ,

I see your love for the Scriptures, for the Christian faith, and for the Church. I see your devotion and obedience to our Lord. I see your heart, the way you care for others.

I know how you prioritize faithfulness to God and the Scriptures, and the way you emulate Christ, who came to serve and not to be served, by serving your church and your family. I see how, just as Christ humbled himself and submitted himself to death on a cross, you humble yourself and obey Paul’s words in Ephesians: “Wives, submit to your husbands” (Eph 5:22). In case no one has told you, you are an inspiring example of Christlikeness!

I see how you stand by your husband’s side, cheer him on, celebrate him, and make sure he feels Christ’s love emanating from you. You do so much to love your family so well, and I see you.

You know what the Scriptures say, and you’re not interested in anybody trying to convince you to follow “the patterns of the world” (Rom 12:2). Wifely submission may not be popular with the world, but I see the way you live out the words of the old hymn: “the cross before me, the world behind me.”

You do so much for others, so as your brother in Christ, I want to make sure that you are okay.

Let me ask: are you okay?

I want to make sure you know that no man has the right to speak to you in ways that are not above reproach. If this has happened to you, he is in the wrong, and it is not your fault.

If a brother in Christ has ever touched you in a way you did not ask for, he is in the wrong, and it is not your fault.

This is still true, even when the man is a pastor or religious leader. He has no right to behave sinfully, simply because he is a pastor. In fact, he ought to be an example of righteousness.

I want to make sure you know that there is never a good reason for your husband to yell at you or insult you. Christian men do not yell at their wives. They “get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice” (Eph 4:31). When he behaves this way, he is in sin, and you are not called to submit to sinful behavior. John Piper said, “Submission means ultimately submission to Jesus so that you never follow your husband into sin.”

If he has put his hands on you or your kids and left you feeling helpless, I want you to know it is not sinful to trust the gut feelings God has given you for the flourishing and safety of you and your family. Remember, God created your womb as a place to nourish and protect your beloved children, and that job doesn’t end at childbirth. It is good and righteous for you to love your children by prioritizing their safety, even from their own father. Once again, you are under no obligation to submit to sinful behavior. If he is sinning against you or your children, you have every right to seek safety.

If none of these things apply to you, praise God. But if you feel seen by any of these words, may I encourage you.

I know how easy it can be to go down a path you don’t even recognize. You fell in love with your husband, but one day, years ago, something he did raised a small red flag in your mind. You thought it was best to ignore it, because you were being faithful to God, submitting to the head of your family, and giving him love and respect. The next time, the red flag was a little bit bigger, but you felt there was nothing you could do. Over the years, you slowly stopped recognizing the man you married, and sometimes you question if he really cares about living like Jesus at all, no matter how Christian he acts in front of other people.

None of that is your fault. You did nothing wrong to get here. As Karen Collum said on threads:

Nothing - and I mean nothing - you can do as a submissive ‘godly’ wife will cause him to get healthy. He has to do the work, not you. And that weight you feel? It doesn’t belong to you. Shift it to the person on the other side of the marriage who needs to own it. Oh, and don’t ever make yourself small. Ever. EVER.

If this resonates with your story, I want you to know this is not what God intended. Jesus came to bring life and life more abundant (John 10:10), and when he said that we would face persecution — that we needed to deny ourselves and take up our crosses — he certainly didn’t mean he wanted us to be harmed by our own Christian spouse.

I know you know this, but let me say it clearly:

Your husband is called to love you as Christ loved the church (Eph 5:25). That is his side of the deal. Your husband should be the light of Christ in your life, just as you should be the light of Christ in his. If you have stopped seeing Jesus in his behavior, you are not called to submit to sin.

Tolerating abuse is not the Christian thing to do. In fact, a few verses before “Wives, submit to your husbands,” Ephesians first commands us: “take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them” (Eph 5:11).

If your husband has harmed you or your children, you are obeying Christ by bringing his sin into the light. Godly submission never requires taking part in works of darkness.

If your Christian marriage stopped feeling “Christian” long ago, but you feel burdened by the calling to submit, Christ says that the truth shall set you free. Telling the truth about your husband’s behavior — no matter how scary that is — can set you and your children free. I know the mere thought of that is terrifying, but can I offer some encouragement?

You are not harming him. Bringing his sin into the light is also doing what’s best for him. While it may feel righteous to honor him and protect him even when he sins, it’s actually enabling him to continue in his sin. Our sin coming into the light is the very thing God uses to produce righteousness in us. So, for your safety, for your children, and for your husband’s holiness, it is best for sin to come into the light.

I want God’s best for you. I want to see you flourish in Christ. I want your family and your church to flourish in Christ for the glory of God. I may not know you personally, but I know you are strong, because you can do all things through Jesus who gives you strength.

In Christ’s love,

Nick

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If you need help, you can always anonymously contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233), or text “START” to 88788.