Thank you, and would you please add, "You are probably afraid no one will believe you, because it seems like his word is usually believed over yours. But that doesn't matter. God in Heaven knows the truth. You don't have to convince anyone else. Your Heavenly Father will take care of all that. You have many sisters who would tell you that even if you lose everyone else in your life, they weren't worth keeping and God will give you even better relationships. Peace is worth more than anything. Be courageous and trust God one more time, this time with the truth about your life."
So true! In the gray area of “he didnt beat, and didnt cheat” is a great chasm filled with neglect, abandonment, financial, emotional, and spiritual abuse, manipulation, control, callousness, and all sorts of intangible covenant breaking behavior. Living while looking backwards over your shoulder is crazy-making, and it's what keeps so many women mired in misery they can't easily describe, but feel.
That sounds maddening! I can actually relate a little bit - worked for and was eventually spiritually abused and fired by a narcissistic pastor who expected loyalty and submission, and it definitely made me feel crazy.
Yes! And navigating it is a path of confusion, doubt, and despair. It's a nebulous region of non-specific injury. As Christians we want to be faithful, fruitful, and steadfast, but when faced with those situations, we don't have a chart or map to the other side. Overthinking and second guessing become the rule, because, well, we don't want to be like the world and pull the parachute cord for just anything. We have eternal consequences and covenants. "I'm not happy" is not a good reason. So, like the frog in the pot that eventually cooks because the heat rises slowly, how do we know when to jump out? In my case I was convinced that the "trying of my faith works patience," and if I was going to run the race, endurance was the key. But eventually, it was apparent that there was no praxis to his ideology, no conviction, no repentance or even apology, and therefore, no reconciliation. I did all I could in my flesh and in my prayers, and tried to wrestle the lumbering ship of my marriage out of the whirlpool, but nothing worked to bring him around. Even after the divorce he continued the same behaviors, which I took as confirmation for my (still) grieving heart that I'd made the best move.
My priest was the first one to tell me “sometimes the most loving thing to do is stop meeting someone continue to sin against you.”
And then the Biblical counselor His pastor sent us to said she couldn’t, in good conscience, continue to see us, because what she was seeing was abuse.
I'm so sorry you went through that, but glad that the ones you appealed to did not try to smooth it over. There's no way to extricate from a situation like that without grief and pain, but breaking free is relief!
Agreed. In the Anglican Church of Australia, we uphold secular as well as Church law. It is now a criminal offence to coerce a spouse. Domestic violence in all its forms is called out.
The Church takes bullying very seriously. Any clergy or lay leader reported for bullying or indictable offences is removed from a position of office.
Vicki, are you absolutely sure that the Anglican Church of Australia removes from office every church leader and lay leader who is reported for bullying of indictable offences?
I’m an Aussie survivor of DV who has become a victim theologian. For decades I’ve been keeping tabs on how churches respond to domestic abuse. Through my blog and my book I’ve helped victims for decades.
I doubt that your claim is true. One piece of data I’m using to form this view is the recent webinar in domestic abuse which commongrace.org.au/ organised. Participants in that webinar said that Anglican churches are still favouring abusers and mistreating victims.
I'm in the Anglican Diocese of Ballarat (Victoria) and we have a Code of Conduct for all clergy Parochial Office bearers (parish councillors, wardens, treasurer etc.) to follow.
We have a Diocesan Safeguarding Officer, a Director of Professional Standards, a Redress Scheme, and regular safe-church training compliance. Our Bishop take all complaints very seriously.
In recent years our parish has had to address aggressive bullying concerns and some people have been respectfully asked to leave or step away from their role. It's not pretty, is difficult work, but necessary when a toxic culture persists.
Thanks for replying Vicki. I used to live in Ballarat. It’s where I wrote my book.
Glad your parish is taking bullying seriously.
Let me be more specific with my question. I know coercive control is criminalised, but there’s a big gap between alleging (reporting) coercive control and actually getting allegations of coercive control proven in court. Is your church removing a leader from office when their spouse has (merely) alleged coercive control? Or is the leader only removed when the allegation is proven in court? If it’s the latter, you may have no idea how many abused wives have been letdown and hurt by your church.
Many abused Christian wives who disclose their husband’s abuse to their church are disbelieved. Abusive husbands are very skilled at painting their wives as the problem, and they always tell lies and half-truths to win allies and sympathisers in the church. Allies and enablers in the church often minimise the abuse and mutualise the blame. You may not be aware of this Vicki if you haven’t suffered it yourself, or an abused wife who has come out of the fog hasn’t trusted you enough to confide in you.
My experience of Safe Church programs is mostly in Presbyterian settings, so I don’t have in-depth knowledge of the Anglican Safe Church training. But I’ve met the people who lead the Melbourne Diocese Program on Domestic Abuse & Family Violence and they seemed mostly to be focused on awareness raising, which in my view is only the very beginning of addressing the problem. They didn’t seem to know nearly as much as I know about how to address the problem theologically and how to protect and support abused wives.
In my observation and experience, Safe Church programs focus mostly on child abuse, and maybe they also cover bullying or sexual misconduct by clergy/leaders. But when it comes to intimate partner abuse, they’re fairly skimpy and superficial.
Churches have instituted Safe Church programs because the Govt made it compulsory. Churches have complied to save themselves from being sued or fined. But very few churches have people with fire in their bellies on the issue of intimate partner abuse.
I’m cynical for good reason. I’ve been watching this field for decades and I’ve developed expertise as a victim theologian, activist and advocate, but my knowledge and expertise had been almost universally ignored, sidelined, or scoffed at.
Pastors sometimes tell me they give my book to abused wives, but when I ask them, “Do you recommend my book to your clergy peers?” they are shocked and affronted — they immediately take offence and put me in the too hard basket. I’ve seen pastor’s wives become very defensive of their husbands when I challenge their husbands like this. Nobody defends me. Nobody of influence has ever stood up for me or stood beside me / with me on this battlefront.
Thank you for your comprehensive reply. The Anglican Diocese of Ballarat has the same structure for parish clergy and laity, who attend the training sessions together. Training is repeated bi-annually. The Anglican Diocese of Melbourne is far stricter with compliance; you cannot commence any leadership role unless all checks are completed and Safe Church training is done.
The Anglican Diocese of Ballarat website has a tab devoted to Safeguarding and the Acts of Synod are found in another tab; please visit.
God's house of worship is a place where everyone should feel safe, not only children and vulnerable persons but everyone, freed from bullying, abuse, and other toxic behaviours like misogyny, racism and judgement 🌱
I should add that in the Acts of Synod (Act 12) there are ten specific reasons a Parochial Officer can be dismissed from their role. Depending on the reason, they may continue to attend the Eucharistic liturgies, but cannot serve in a leadership role.
I’ve been writing about domestic abuse in a Christian context for decades. I’m a survivor who has become a victim theologian. I hope you’ll check out my work Nick.
Awesome Barbara, I sincerely hope the challenging work you're doing brings about positive change. Your voice at General Synod would add valuable contributions.
Oh, wow, Nick, thanks for this. I won't bore with personal stories (there are many), but as I've just turned a year since my (unfortunately) 2nd divorce, I agree with your words.
I write about my stories, and God's faithfulness on my substack. I spent 33 years of my life in service to two marriages that did not reflect the love of Christ. Even though both testified to Christianity. I am so glad that we are waking up and condemning these behaviors. Holding men (and women!) accountable. I hope your words find the women they were intended to reach.
Thanks, Nick. I unfortunately played a part in all of that, trying to “fix” myself, being “more” submissive, shrinking myself to fit the template written for me not by my Creator but by my circumstances, my church, and my husband. I thought that if I could fulfill the submission and Proverbs 31 example, surely God would reward me with the marriage that I wanted. But the more we came into conflict, the more I dug into the Word and discovered my error. While studying scripture was beneficial in those respects, it's still on me for my part in its misapplication.
I repeated the same behaviour in my second marriage, new church, reformed this time (returned to my roots), and this time added pride to the stinking pot, because after waking up to the red flags that were surely there from the start, I now realized I would be a Christian woman divorced TWICE, and surely God didn’t want that. Do I suffered, stewed, lived angry for 15 years, trying to convince God that He didn’t want that sort of shame on my head. Well, while I obviously have my share of “stubborn” I reasoned that stubborn is also “tenacious, determined, faithful.” But pretty words didn't force God's hand, either. Neither did the endurance, and other striving.
But God is so good. Jesus died for my ridiculous imaginations, too. I trust Him even more now than when I was positive He would restore what was never there in the first place. His Provision and Grace are immeasurable. Wherever I am headed from here, I'm going with eyes wide open.
Thanks for sharing this, Laura. I hope you're able to give yourself some grace. You were trying to be faithful to God, faithful to what you believed the Scriptures say, faithful to everything you had been taught. God is so good, and he's making all things new!
Thanks, Nick. I unfortunately played a part in all of that, trying to “fix” myself, being “more” submissive, shrinking myself to fit the template written for me not by my Creator but by my circumstances, my church, and my husband. I thought that if I could fulfill the submission and Proverbs 31 example, surely God would reward me with the marriage that I wanted. But the more we came into conflict, the more I dug into the Word and discovered my error. While studying scripture was beneficial in those respects, it's still on me for my part in its misapplication.
I repeated the same behaviour in my second marriage, new church, reformed this time (returned to my roots), and this time added pride to the stinking pot, because after waking up to the red flags that were surely there from the start, I now realized I would be a Christian woman divorced TWICE, and surely God didn’t want that. Do I suffered, stewed, lived angry for 15 years, trying to convince God that He didn’t want that sort of shame on my head. Well, while I obviously have my share of “stubborn” I reasoned that stubborn is also “tenacious, determined, faithful.” But pretty words didn't force God's hand, either. Neither did the endurance, and other striving.
But God is so good. Jesus died for my ridiculous imaginations, too. I trust Him even more now than when I was positive He would restore what was never there in the first place. His Provision and Grace are immeasurable. Wherever I am headed from here, I'm going with eyes wide open.
Is there a “to my Christian brother who is holding up his side of the sacrifice / submit deal” letter coming or is that one a little bit scarier and iffy to write?
Thank you, and would you please add, "You are probably afraid no one will believe you, because it seems like his word is usually believed over yours. But that doesn't matter. God in Heaven knows the truth. You don't have to convince anyone else. Your Heavenly Father will take care of all that. You have many sisters who would tell you that even if you lose everyone else in your life, they weren't worth keeping and God will give you even better relationships. Peace is worth more than anything. Be courageous and trust God one more time, this time with the truth about your life."
So true! In the gray area of “he didnt beat, and didnt cheat” is a great chasm filled with neglect, abandonment, financial, emotional, and spiritual abuse, manipulation, control, callousness, and all sorts of intangible covenant breaking behavior. Living while looking backwards over your shoulder is crazy-making, and it's what keeps so many women mired in misery they can't easily describe, but feel.
That sounds maddening! I can actually relate a little bit - worked for and was eventually spiritually abused and fired by a narcissistic pastor who expected loyalty and submission, and it definitely made me feel crazy.
There is so much abuse that is outside of “beat or cheat.” That is the floor, not the ceiling. Gracious.
Yes! And navigating it is a path of confusion, doubt, and despair. It's a nebulous region of non-specific injury. As Christians we want to be faithful, fruitful, and steadfast, but when faced with those situations, we don't have a chart or map to the other side. Overthinking and second guessing become the rule, because, well, we don't want to be like the world and pull the parachute cord for just anything. We have eternal consequences and covenants. "I'm not happy" is not a good reason. So, like the frog in the pot that eventually cooks because the heat rises slowly, how do we know when to jump out? In my case I was convinced that the "trying of my faith works patience," and if I was going to run the race, endurance was the key. But eventually, it was apparent that there was no praxis to his ideology, no conviction, no repentance or even apology, and therefore, no reconciliation. I did all I could in my flesh and in my prayers, and tried to wrestle the lumbering ship of my marriage out of the whirlpool, but nothing worked to bring him around. Even after the divorce he continued the same behaviors, which I took as confirmation for my (still) grieving heart that I'd made the best move.
My priest was the first one to tell me “sometimes the most loving thing to do is stop meeting someone continue to sin against you.”
And then the Biblical counselor His pastor sent us to said she couldn’t, in good conscience, continue to see us, because what she was seeing was abuse.
It was a wake-up call to me.
I'm so sorry you went through that, but glad that the ones you appealed to did not try to smooth it over. There's no way to extricate from a situation like that without grief and pain, but breaking free is relief!
Truly sorry you went through those agonizing conclusions and choices.
Agreed. In the Anglican Church of Australia, we uphold secular as well as Church law. It is now a criminal offence to coerce a spouse. Domestic violence in all its forms is called out.
The Church takes bullying very seriously. Any clergy or lay leader reported for bullying or indictable offences is removed from a position of office.
Vicki, are you absolutely sure that the Anglican Church of Australia removes from office every church leader and lay leader who is reported for bullying of indictable offences?
I’m an Aussie survivor of DV who has become a victim theologian. For decades I’ve been keeping tabs on how churches respond to domestic abuse. Through my blog and my book I’ve helped victims for decades.
cryingoutforjustice.blognotunderbondage.com
I doubt that your claim is true. One piece of data I’m using to form this view is the recent webinar in domestic abuse which commongrace.org.au/ organised. Participants in that webinar said that Anglican churches are still favouring abusers and mistreating victims.
Lovely to hear from you Barbara.
I'm in the Anglican Diocese of Ballarat (Victoria) and we have a Code of Conduct for all clergy Parochial Office bearers (parish councillors, wardens, treasurer etc.) to follow.
We have a Diocesan Safeguarding Officer, a Director of Professional Standards, a Redress Scheme, and regular safe-church training compliance. Our Bishop take all complaints very seriously.
In recent years our parish has had to address aggressive bullying concerns and some people have been respectfully asked to leave or step away from their role. It's not pretty, is difficult work, but necessary when a toxic culture persists.
Thanks for replying Vicki. I used to live in Ballarat. It’s where I wrote my book.
Glad your parish is taking bullying seriously.
Let me be more specific with my question. I know coercive control is criminalised, but there’s a big gap between alleging (reporting) coercive control and actually getting allegations of coercive control proven in court. Is your church removing a leader from office when their spouse has (merely) alleged coercive control? Or is the leader only removed when the allegation is proven in court? If it’s the latter, you may have no idea how many abused wives have been letdown and hurt by your church.
Many abused Christian wives who disclose their husband’s abuse to their church are disbelieved. Abusive husbands are very skilled at painting their wives as the problem, and they always tell lies and half-truths to win allies and sympathisers in the church. Allies and enablers in the church often minimise the abuse and mutualise the blame. You may not be aware of this Vicki if you haven’t suffered it yourself, or an abused wife who has come out of the fog hasn’t trusted you enough to confide in you.
My experience of Safe Church programs is mostly in Presbyterian settings, so I don’t have in-depth knowledge of the Anglican Safe Church training. But I’ve met the people who lead the Melbourne Diocese Program on Domestic Abuse & Family Violence and they seemed mostly to be focused on awareness raising, which in my view is only the very beginning of addressing the problem. They didn’t seem to know nearly as much as I know about how to address the problem theologically and how to protect and support abused wives.
In my observation and experience, Safe Church programs focus mostly on child abuse, and maybe they also cover bullying or sexual misconduct by clergy/leaders. But when it comes to intimate partner abuse, they’re fairly skimpy and superficial.
Churches have instituted Safe Church programs because the Govt made it compulsory. Churches have complied to save themselves from being sued or fined. But very few churches have people with fire in their bellies on the issue of intimate partner abuse.
I’m cynical for good reason. I’ve been watching this field for decades and I’ve developed expertise as a victim theologian, activist and advocate, but my knowledge and expertise had been almost universally ignored, sidelined, or scoffed at.
Pastors sometimes tell me they give my book to abused wives, but when I ask them, “Do you recommend my book to your clergy peers?” they are shocked and affronted — they immediately take offence and put me in the too hard basket. I’ve seen pastor’s wives become very defensive of their husbands when I challenge their husbands like this. Nobody defends me. Nobody of influence has ever stood up for me or stood beside me / with me on this battlefront.
Thank you for your comprehensive reply. The Anglican Diocese of Ballarat has the same structure for parish clergy and laity, who attend the training sessions together. Training is repeated bi-annually. The Anglican Diocese of Melbourne is far stricter with compliance; you cannot commence any leadership role unless all checks are completed and Safe Church training is done.
The Anglican Diocese of Ballarat website has a tab devoted to Safeguarding and the Acts of Synod are found in another tab; please visit.
God's house of worship is a place where everyone should feel safe, not only children and vulnerable persons but everyone, freed from bullying, abuse, and other toxic behaviours like misogyny, racism and judgement 🌱
I should add that in the Acts of Synod (Act 12) there are ten specific reasons a Parochial Officer can be dismissed from their role. Depending on the reason, they may continue to attend the Eucharistic liturgies, but cannot serve in a leadership role.
Yes! Peace at any cost is not peace.
I’ve been writing about domestic abuse in a Christian context for decades. I’m a survivor who has become a victim theologian. I hope you’ll check out my work Nick.
FAQs at my blog
https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/faq/
My book
https://notunderbondage.com/
My YouTube channel
https://youtube.com/@barbararobertsnotunderbondage
Thanks for sharing, and for committing to this important work!
Awesome Barbara, I sincerely hope the challenging work you're doing brings about positive change. Your voice at General Synod would add valuable contributions.
Oh, wow, Nick, thanks for this. I won't bore with personal stories (there are many), but as I've just turned a year since my (unfortunately) 2nd divorce, I agree with your words.
I write about my stories, and God's faithfulness on my substack. I spent 33 years of my life in service to two marriages that did not reflect the love of Christ. Even though both testified to Christianity. I am so glad that we are waking up and condemning these behaviors. Holding men (and women!) accountable. I hope your words find the women they were intended to reach.
Thank you Laura, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, and I really appreciate these words 🙏
Thanks, Nick. I unfortunately played a part in all of that, trying to “fix” myself, being “more” submissive, shrinking myself to fit the template written for me not by my Creator but by my circumstances, my church, and my husband. I thought that if I could fulfill the submission and Proverbs 31 example, surely God would reward me with the marriage that I wanted. But the more we came into conflict, the more I dug into the Word and discovered my error. While studying scripture was beneficial in those respects, it's still on me for my part in its misapplication.
I repeated the same behaviour in my second marriage, new church, reformed this time (returned to my roots), and this time added pride to the stinking pot, because after waking up to the red flags that were surely there from the start, I now realized I would be a Christian woman divorced TWICE, and surely God didn’t want that. Do I suffered, stewed, lived angry for 15 years, trying to convince God that He didn’t want that sort of shame on my head. Well, while I obviously have my share of “stubborn” I reasoned that stubborn is also “tenacious, determined, faithful.” But pretty words didn't force God's hand, either. Neither did the endurance, and other striving.
But God is so good. Jesus died for my ridiculous imaginations, too. I trust Him even more now than when I was positive He would restore what was never there in the first place. His Provision and Grace are immeasurable. Wherever I am headed from here, I'm going with eyes wide open.
Thanks for sharing this, Laura. I hope you're able to give yourself some grace. You were trying to be faithful to God, faithful to what you believed the Scriptures say, faithful to everything you had been taught. God is so good, and he's making all things new!
Laura, are you aware of my work?
I’ve been writing about domestic abuse in a Christian context for decades.
FAQs at my blog—
https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/faq/
My book—
https://notunderbondage.com/
My YouTube channel—
https://youtube.com/@barbararobertsnotunderbondage
Thanks, Nick. I unfortunately played a part in all of that, trying to “fix” myself, being “more” submissive, shrinking myself to fit the template written for me not by my Creator but by my circumstances, my church, and my husband. I thought that if I could fulfill the submission and Proverbs 31 example, surely God would reward me with the marriage that I wanted. But the more we came into conflict, the more I dug into the Word and discovered my error. While studying scripture was beneficial in those respects, it's still on me for my part in its misapplication.
I repeated the same behaviour in my second marriage, new church, reformed this time (returned to my roots), and this time added pride to the stinking pot, because after waking up to the red flags that were surely there from the start, I now realized I would be a Christian woman divorced TWICE, and surely God didn’t want that. Do I suffered, stewed, lived angry for 15 years, trying to convince God that He didn’t want that sort of shame on my head. Well, while I obviously have my share of “stubborn” I reasoned that stubborn is also “tenacious, determined, faithful.” But pretty words didn't force God's hand, either. Neither did the endurance, and other striving.
But God is so good. Jesus died for my ridiculous imaginations, too. I trust Him even more now than when I was positive He would restore what was never there in the first place. His Provision and Grace are immeasurable. Wherever I am headed from here, I'm going with eyes wide open.
Is there a “to my Christian brother who is holding up his side of the sacrifice / submit deal” letter coming or is that one a little bit scarier and iffy to write?
Already wrote that one
https://renewedmind.substack.com/p/to-my-complementarian-brothers
Shout out to me for not checking that first lol. My apologies!
You’re good, I don’t expect anyone to research my page 😆
Well your standard and mine should be a little higher then 😅